Disclaimer: I'd like to preface this by saying I don't have that much relationship experience, so what do I know? About anything? I'm only 27. However, what do the writers of this movie know? What do men know, what do women know? What gives any of us the authority to refer to everything in such black and white terms? Nothing, that's what. We might think we know, but no one KNOWS anything for sure. But if those writers are allowed to put out a book and a movie--adding a pop culture phrase to the lexicon and claiming it as truth, I'm allowed to express my thoughts about it. Also, this is my blog. ;) The point is, neither of us is completely right or completely wrong. What I'm saying AND what they're saying are pretty much matters of opinion. Because (and this is one of this movie's "lessons") there are always exceptions to the "rules". (But wait, there are no "rules" anymore, are there? Because it's 2009 and therefore, those rules are meant to be broken. Or, wait, are they? Uh...what?)
Oy.
I'm going to start by saying that I completely agree with the fact that a woman should not stay with, be with, or entertain excessive thoughts about a man who is not giving her what she wants. Fine. I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with getting some tough love in order to be able to move on and find what makes you happy. Self-esteem, empowerment, blah blah blah, woot. The problem with this is that this movie, book, premise is hinting at the idea that most of what we want from men (consideration, consistency, and any kind of vulnerability whatsoever) is unreasonable and irrational, especially from someone who hasn't made a commitment to us yet. And if we follow this school of thought, it suspiciously seems as if NO guy, ever, is going to treat us the way we want to be treated--because they ALL act like this and we should have known that going into it. How dumb are we, women? Moreover, we won't get any kind of commitment until he decides that we're SO worth it that he can't live without us. It's all or nothing. And how often does THAT happen (unless you're in a star-studded cast and therefore only hang out with people who are freakishly attractive)? So why should we even bother trying? It might as well be called, "He's A Douchebag...Until He Isn't." I mean, there are so many girls out there, right? He has to try everyone and everything else until he realizes that, wait, she IS the one that I want after all! I can't stop thinking about her, so I guess she'll do--she beat me into submission just by being herself! Damn her! I was a fool and now I DO want her! Come back to me--please, baby baby please! (Until I get sick of her and see some hot, busty blonde in a grocery store and SHE turns out to be the one I want, even though I've only known her for ten minutes!)
Men and women are constantly, CONSTANTLY given conflicting advice on how to "behave" around each other. Girls, you shouldn't call him. Let him call you. If he wants to talk, he'll call you--because after all, he's the man and he should be totally in control of where this "relationship" is going (and by the way, don't you dare ask "where it's going", ever, because only crazy girls do that). What he wants out of it is the main factor of how it's all going to go, and he also doesn't have to share his thoughts about that with you. Ever. Until you ask, which you're not "supposed" to do and which also means you're forcing him. What he thinks about it is what matters the most--guys want what they want, but only for right now, and that's how they are. Deal with it until he decides that, hey, maybe he IS "into you"--so much that he wants to marry you. And then you should drop everything and forget about how unavailable he was and how he felt it was completely acceptable to treat you however he wanted. Because he was right all along--he just needed time. And now you win! What a lucky lady you are; take him back immediately!
But wait! Wait! Men like a confident woman who knows what she wants and can take charge, right? And he wants to know that you care enough to call, too, right? RIGHT? If you don't call at all, you're clearly a prissy, spoiled bitch who expects him to do all the work. (I bet you'll never pay for anything when you go out on dates, too.) So yeah, maybe you should call. It's 2009, for God's sake--but, speaking of God, God forbid you call too much or too soon, because then you're a psycho. How dare you express any kind of fondness toward someone who indicated that he liked you, you psycho? What a stalker you are for thinking about him so often! Control your thoughts, and yourself! Why can't you be more like him--instead of having feelings for one person, imagine how awesome and entirely plausible it would be to fuck every single reasonably attractive person of the opposite sex? He is SO smart for thinking that way, and you're just a flowery, overemotional, weak woman who's staying at home, writing about him in your diary on a Friday night. So change your ways--oh, but while you're imagining (and possibly following through on) having sex with all those people (by the way, you're a whore for doing that, but he isn't), you should keep him in mind, though. Because he might come back. And then you should get married.
"But for seven years, he said he didn't believe in marriage!"
Well, he does now. He changed his mind.
"But you can't change people--"
Yes, yes you can. Wait long enough and he'll come around.
"But--"
SHHHH! Shhhhh--here's a pretty diamond.
"Oooooooh! Yay!"
Contradictory, much? And while we're on the subject, I'd just like to quickly say that I'm just not that into diamonds. They're pretty, I agree. I like the idea of having a symbol of your commitment, and I'm not opposed to wearing a diamond ring. But they all look more or less the same to me. I've never gushed about anyone's ring before because quite simply, they're just "nice" to me.
The most honest part of this movie was when Gigi , the main character (played by Ginnifer Goodwin) tearfully tells Alex (Justin Long) that even though she obsesses over everything and has embarrassed herself many times, she is closer to finding love than he is. Which is absolutely true. I just don't see the problem with expressing how you feel about someone. If you want to call/email/text/visit often, DO IT! I hate the "wait a few days in between" rule. Everyone's always talking about "living life to the fullest, no day but today, tell people how you feel when you love them, you never know when something bad will happen, eat dessert first" blah blah blah. But when we tell people that we like them ("like" like) and that person's not ready, it's suddenly wrong. It's more like: you should always tell people how you feel, except in almost every single romantic situation that could possibly arise (if you're unmarried). Don't want to freak anyone out, after all. We're all so scared of losing each other that no one wants to express anything anymore. It hits close to home for me too--I'm not saying I'm right in this respect. I do it too. I've been described as "guarded"--well, it's no fucking wonder when you experience people's reactions to complete honesty. We think one thing and do the opposite--we want to be closer to someone, so we withdraw in order to appear "normal" and not frighten them. And we say we're going to call people back and hang out again in order to be polite--but in actuality, lying to them is much more impolite than just gently-but-firmly saying, "It's not going to happen." Sure, it smarts to hear that, but it smarts even more in the long run when you think you're doing and saying all the right things and the other person just disappears as a way to say they're not interested. And this is not male-exclusive. Girls do it too, maybe even more so, because we don't want to hurt feelings.
This whole blog/rant/essay could be considered hypocritical, so I just want to be clear here--I do, and think, many of the stupid things that were portrayed in this movie. When I first started watching it, I thought, "Wow! I've been there many times and so have all of my friends, male and female." I'm actually very much "into" someone right now, so it's just as much a learning process for me as it is for everyone else. And it's ongoing for all of us, I suppose. We're all constantly "walking the plank." I do think that some of the movie was true to life. And women do need to be smarter about their decisions and affections (also, men could stand to be a bit more open and honest) but that doesn't make any of it right. It doesn't solve anything. So what do we do, as a people? It's an age-old thing, playing "the game". Call her/don't call her too soon. Play hard to get/be available. Tell him how you feel/be cool and distant. Love should be easy/relationships are hard work. What are we to believe? It is all so exhausting. There shouldn't have to BE a "game" but there so obviously is. And it's heartbreaking to think that even if we find that someone and everything works out, it could still fall apart in a day, an hour, ten minutes. Even if you're married, that's not a guarantee for monogamy, forever, commitment, or happiness. In any way. So what do we do?
I guess we just find someone who can put up with all of our bullshit. Because we've all got it. I do, you do. No one is uncomplicated. We've all got stupid, unnecessary bullshit, moodiness, suspicions and past experiences that we bring to the table. Each of us is just a mosaic of our past experiences, upbringing, environment. A glass mosaic, even, that could shatter at any moment. And a relationship is like trying to fuse those two mosaics together to create something beautiful. And it does happen, right? We'd like to believe so. But the fragility is the scary part.
The bottom line is, love feels good. Platonically or otherwise, we all just want to be loved, and be AWARE that we're loved. If love is kept inside, as a secret, it's useless. So instead of giving up on each other completely, we should probably just be as honest and as real as we can be. Then it's all on the table. Oh, and let's try to keep hope alive. If we don't have each other, we have nothing.
xoxo
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