I feel kind of dorky for being home on a Friday night. However, I think it's for the best. I've had kind of a shitty day and shouldn't inflict my bad mood on anyone else. It started when, this morning, I was running late (my fault entirely) and went to open one of my (approximately 5) umbrellas in a hurry on the way out the door, and the umbrella part just snapped right off the handle. So, cursing, I ran back upstairs and got one of the others. As a result of being a hint too late (about two minutes), I didn't get to see my subway crush. Which isn't really a problem, just mildly disappointing. I have to time it just right and be in the correct car in order to see him, and today it just didn't work out. (Mind you, I don't even have to go out of my way. We ride the train at the same time every morning when I'm not late, and the car I choose is the one that lets me off closest to the escalator to the downtown 6. So there.) Oh, subway guy. Our day will come, if we just wait a while. (Or if I grow a pair and actually say something to you one day, instead of just making eye contact and then looking away as if it didn't happen.) I cannot help but wonder if he wonders about me, too. Not deeply so, just like, "I see that weird girl almost every day." It's probably something along those lines. But in this city, it's perfectly acceptable not to introduce yourself to someone you see more times a week than you see your own roommate. (Which in my case is true.) I find that very odd, and I vow to one day say something clever to this guy. I mean, it's natural to be friendly to people you see constantly, right? I'll let you know if and when I talk to him. No, WHEN. It needs to happen.
So then I got to work and the very first order I took over the phone (I was working takeout today) ended up irritating me so badly I had to go into the bathroom and slam the stall door a few times to get over it. I don't even really want to get into the whole story right now, but it involved an extremely rude and frustrated guy who was getting screamed at by his boss in the background to "fucking hurry up", followed by the boss himself getting on the phone and yelling at ME. For no reason. He was the kind of guy who just steamrolls over everything you say, even if you're not arguing with him. At no point did I say we couldn't do what he was requesting ($300 worth of ribs--which equals about twelve full racks--boxed separately, delivered to Wall Street within the hour; a bit of a tall order, but we did it). But he just HAD to yell at someone, and after his subordinate, I was the easiest target. His excuse for this unspeakable rudeness was that he was getting on a plane at 1 PM and he wanted to eat before he left. I don't think I've ever been so angry with a guest. I am, as my coworker Jericka said, "blessed with patience." And you know what? Our delivery guy was back at the RESTAURANT within the hour, which means that the douchebag definitely got his order with plenty of spare time to eat and make his precious flight. The only reason I didn't cuss back at him is because I like paying my bills and eating, and in an economy like this I can't be out job-hunting. I also don't have time or energy for that. Who does, really? There are so many other useful things I could be doing.
Like rehearsing, right? My saving grace. I've been unpredictably moody over the past...oh...eleven days (if you're thinking that sounds strangely specific, you're absolutely right). I'll get back to this in a minute, but thank God I've got "Ragtime" to distract me. If I didn't, I'd be even worse--I honestly don't know what I'd have done by now. So I adore going to rehearsal, even if it is all the way in Jersey. The fact that I get to be Sarah is the most important thing in my life right now. And it makes me happier than anything else does. So after work today I made the trek out to Jersey, even though I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't actually be used much tonight. I mean, the entire ensemble was called, and we usually are, but sometimes I have solo lines to sing and what have you. I thought about asking beforehand, just to make sure, but I didn't want to be presumptuous and snotty and assume that meant "everyone but Vanessa." Well, guess what? After eating dinner on the bus on the way over (discreetly, since that's technically not allowed on DeCamp buses) and lugging my heavy bag and umbrella to the studio, I sat there for an hour, only to be told (very apologetically) that I wasn't actually needed at all. No one really realized it until I was already there. So I went all the way back home. And it took approximately two hours to get here. And to top it all off, it was definitely raining. It has been, on and off, all day. Now, the people I'm working with in the show are really, really nice and they didn't mean for this to happen, AT ALL. It's just that we're a huge cast and sometimes these things get lost in the shuffle. It's understandable, but it still sucks. Especially when, quite frankly, I know my music like the back of my hand. I mean, I've been studying this role since 1998. I could do it in my sleep. And since I was just in "Ragtime" this past winter already, I know the ensemble stuff too. Judy (our musical director) told me she owes me a freebie. I'm inclined to agree.
Also, quickly--my roommate, who just moved in at the beginning of June and led me to believe he was going to stick around, is moving out. Already. At the end of September. And he told me via email. (Classy.) You can imagine how much I love having to go through the entire "new roommate" process again--especially after the fiasco with the closeted-tranny-alcoholic-fucking-freakshow that was my last roommate. Who still, by the way, owes me $100 and a "Sweeney Todd" DVD. The only thing I can hope for is that the third time's the charm on this one, and that maybe a girl will want to live with me instead. I'm having trouble trusting people right now, for this and other reasons.
I'm getting a little sleepy as a result of going to bed at about 11 PM last night (SO weird, but I was really tired and couldn't think of a good enough reason to stay up). I know I said I'd get back to the "being moody" thing, but I'm too tired to get into it now. Besides, this is probably not the most appropriate venue to vent all of my true sentiments about why I've been so moody. Even I know that there's a limit to how much secretive personal business you should blurt out via internet, just to get a reaction. To me, that's passive-agressive, immature, and just plain wrong--it's something teenagers, douchebags and psychos do. (And before you say, "Wait, didn't you just talk shit about your roommates in the last paragraph?": none of that is a secret. I'm happy to tell anyone who wants to know about any detail of either of those situations, in person or otherwise. And I'm happy to talk about it with either of them, too, if they'd like. So just hush.) Just know, though, if you're around me or if you talk to me on a regular basis, that I'm going through a rough time right now, emotionally, and I don't know when or if I'll get over it. I'm aware of how hopelessly melodramatic and girlish that sounds, but it affected me more than I wanted it to. Believe me, I've wished fervently, several times, that I could stop thinking about it. So anyway, if I snap at you or suddenly look like I might cry for seemingly no reason (only to appear fine ten minutes later), it most likely has nothing to do with you. I certainly don't hate anyone (except maybe those two guys I talked to on the phone today at work); I'm hoping that I just need more time and that these feelings will eventually become less raw. This too shall pass, as they say.
In the meantime...
Happy birthday, Michael. You are, and always have been, beloved and otherwordly.
xoxo
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Eye Of The Tiger
I'm hanging out in my room by the fan, all glowy after fighting (and winning) a battle against my new hat rack from Ikea. Well, I should be nice to it--it wasn't actually the hat rack that was giving me shit. It was really my walls, which are quite resistant to screws. And if you've ever attached anything from Ikea to a wall, you know that you usually have to screw the main piece to the wall first, and then screw the remaining pieces onto the first piece. Oy. Anyway, I thought I was a bad ass because I calmly and methodically put it up with no problems, put my hats on it and admired my handiwork...and approximately four seconds later, the whole thing came crashing down. It was like a sitcom. Turns out I didn't pick long enough screws. Undaunted, I backed up a few steps and tried again with longer ones, and now my eight hats are resting comfortably on their new rack. Vanessa: 1, Hat Rack: 0.
Going to Ikea with my new credit card was so fun. I didn't go crazy--I only spent $138, which I think is more than reasonable. I could have spent much, much more because I kept seeing things I wondered if I should get, but I pretty much stuck to the list and just added a few fun extras. My favorite thing I bought is the new bathroom rug, which has bright multicolored horizontal stripes. Now there's a cute lime green shower curtain to match and decorative green mini-cattails in a small vase on the toilet lid. Very colorful, and therefore very Vanessa. In the kitchen there are new random odds and ends I needed (new measuring spoons, new whisk, new rug, etc.), and in the living room, an arrangement of blue wooden spirals in a swirly vase and a new mirror. Bedroom has some stuff too--hooks for all my necklaces and that damn hat rack. And I successfully put it all together/screwed it all in with the brand new tool set I also got at Ikea. (No, I didn't have one already. ;) Bad Ass Status: Reinstated. And I was so excited to swipe my new card. Of course, for a less responsible person it could mean trouble, because when you're using it, it's like play money. Like, "my bank account isn't immediately affected by this, so it's okay!" But I like the idea of credit, as long as you don't do anything stupid and wreck it. It's only for trustworthy people--the whole point is that you're good for the real money eventually. And it makes me feel like more of an adult because I know I won't have trouble paying it off. When I was younger I didn't understand how credit cards worked and thought you had to pay on them even if you never once bought anything. I say this all the time--why is there not a mandatory class in schools about finances and living in general? Loans, credit cards, mortgages, insurance, leases, payments, interest rates, even tiny things like balancing checkbooks and whatnot. If no one explains that shit to you, how would you know? Once you get to a certain age it's just assumed that you know all about it. Well, I don't know everything even now. I wish I did. Maybe there's some class I could take and/or create called "Don't Suck At Life: General Information That You Should Know By Now".
One thing I do NOT suck at these days is getting the roles I want. I am thrilled to have the chance to play the role of Sarah in "Ragtime". This show has been near and dear to my heart, my favorite, ever since I saw it on Broadway about eleven years ago. I remember being absolutely riveted the entire time, and that's when the idea came to me that I could do that. That was what I wanted to do with my life. It gave me direction even though I didn't even fully realize it at the time. When Coalhouse was shot, I remember being shocked to my very soul. That's how enraptured I was with this story. Since then, it's been something of an obsession of mine--getting to be a part of the ensemble this past winter (and meeting Lynn Ahrens) was already a dream come true. Something I could check off my to-do list. But being Sarah? That was also something I REALLY always wanted to do. Even though I completely had a blast being in the ensemble and would do it again in a heartbeat, I really did want to be Sarah at some point in my life. And now it's happening. I don't even think it's fully sunken in yet. Sure, I'm not on Broadway, but that doesn't make it any less special to me. It's a role that every black female singer/actress wants to play. One that, if you're at all in the theater world, you know and love. Flaherty and Ahrens are so obviously geniuses. (I know not only from "Ragtime", but from "Dessa Rose". I was lucky enough to be able to thank Lynn Ahrens for "Dessa" and tell her how much it meant to me.) Plus, as I was telling someone recently, I'll get to actually SEE more of the show instead of being in so many scenes. My last "Ragtime" wasn't taped and I always wish, when I'm in a show, that I could be two people at once and watch the show too. I have a really easy track with this one. And I'm so pleased I knocked out the competition. I try to be gracious but it's obviously the best feeling to know you're better for the role than anyone else in the room. I went in there, gave it my all and even worked up some tears. In Bob's words, I "showed him my pain". ;) I'm also excited to find out who's playing Sarah's Friend, which was the other role I was up for. If someone wanted me to, I would probably do this show once a year for the rest of my life--that's how much I love it. I listen to the music and get legitimate chills every single time. Now THAT'S love.
Non-sequitur: I love the movie "Boyz N The Hood". I catch it every once in a while on BET--it's one of my older brother's favorite movies and I used to be too young to appreciate it, but now I especially love it. But after this, how did Cuba Gooding Jr. end up in such shit movies these days? And why were there so many golden yellow button-downs being worn in the early 90's?
I'm really, really tired right now. I think I have to call it quits for tonight--I picked up an extra shift tomorrow, as usual, and am working a double. I've done that a lot lately. Had to make up for losing a few of my weekend shifts and having to pay the bills my closet-transvestite ex-roommate left behind. Oh, what a year it's been.
More soon. I feel like there's other stuff I've forgotten to mention. And this may be the fatigue talking--but above all, right now, all I need anyone to know is that I am clearly a total bad-ass who is totally "worth it". I'm entirely too intelligent, fun, caring, cute, talented and generally awesome to put up with anyone who doesn't fully value me or anything that gets in my way. So there.
Love to you.
xo
Going to Ikea with my new credit card was so fun. I didn't go crazy--I only spent $138, which I think is more than reasonable. I could have spent much, much more because I kept seeing things I wondered if I should get, but I pretty much stuck to the list and just added a few fun extras. My favorite thing I bought is the new bathroom rug, which has bright multicolored horizontal stripes. Now there's a cute lime green shower curtain to match and decorative green mini-cattails in a small vase on the toilet lid. Very colorful, and therefore very Vanessa. In the kitchen there are new random odds and ends I needed (new measuring spoons, new whisk, new rug, etc.), and in the living room, an arrangement of blue wooden spirals in a swirly vase and a new mirror. Bedroom has some stuff too--hooks for all my necklaces and that damn hat rack. And I successfully put it all together/screwed it all in with the brand new tool set I also got at Ikea. (No, I didn't have one already. ;) Bad Ass Status: Reinstated. And I was so excited to swipe my new card. Of course, for a less responsible person it could mean trouble, because when you're using it, it's like play money. Like, "my bank account isn't immediately affected by this, so it's okay!" But I like the idea of credit, as long as you don't do anything stupid and wreck it. It's only for trustworthy people--the whole point is that you're good for the real money eventually. And it makes me feel like more of an adult because I know I won't have trouble paying it off. When I was younger I didn't understand how credit cards worked and thought you had to pay on them even if you never once bought anything. I say this all the time--why is there not a mandatory class in schools about finances and living in general? Loans, credit cards, mortgages, insurance, leases, payments, interest rates, even tiny things like balancing checkbooks and whatnot. If no one explains that shit to you, how would you know? Once you get to a certain age it's just assumed that you know all about it. Well, I don't know everything even now. I wish I did. Maybe there's some class I could take and/or create called "Don't Suck At Life: General Information That You Should Know By Now".
One thing I do NOT suck at these days is getting the roles I want. I am thrilled to have the chance to play the role of Sarah in "Ragtime". This show has been near and dear to my heart, my favorite, ever since I saw it on Broadway about eleven years ago. I remember being absolutely riveted the entire time, and that's when the idea came to me that I could do that. That was what I wanted to do with my life. It gave me direction even though I didn't even fully realize it at the time. When Coalhouse was shot, I remember being shocked to my very soul. That's how enraptured I was with this story. Since then, it's been something of an obsession of mine--getting to be a part of the ensemble this past winter (and meeting Lynn Ahrens) was already a dream come true. Something I could check off my to-do list. But being Sarah? That was also something I REALLY always wanted to do. Even though I completely had a blast being in the ensemble and would do it again in a heartbeat, I really did want to be Sarah at some point in my life. And now it's happening. I don't even think it's fully sunken in yet. Sure, I'm not on Broadway, but that doesn't make it any less special to me. It's a role that every black female singer/actress wants to play. One that, if you're at all in the theater world, you know and love. Flaherty and Ahrens are so obviously geniuses. (I know not only from "Ragtime", but from "Dessa Rose". I was lucky enough to be able to thank Lynn Ahrens for "Dessa" and tell her how much it meant to me.) Plus, as I was telling someone recently, I'll get to actually SEE more of the show instead of being in so many scenes. My last "Ragtime" wasn't taped and I always wish, when I'm in a show, that I could be two people at once and watch the show too. I have a really easy track with this one. And I'm so pleased I knocked out the competition. I try to be gracious but it's obviously the best feeling to know you're better for the role than anyone else in the room. I went in there, gave it my all and even worked up some tears. In Bob's words, I "showed him my pain". ;) I'm also excited to find out who's playing Sarah's Friend, which was the other role I was up for. If someone wanted me to, I would probably do this show once a year for the rest of my life--that's how much I love it. I listen to the music and get legitimate chills every single time. Now THAT'S love.
Non-sequitur: I love the movie "Boyz N The Hood". I catch it every once in a while on BET--it's one of my older brother's favorite movies and I used to be too young to appreciate it, but now I especially love it. But after this, how did Cuba Gooding Jr. end up in such shit movies these days? And why were there so many golden yellow button-downs being worn in the early 90's?
I'm really, really tired right now. I think I have to call it quits for tonight--I picked up an extra shift tomorrow, as usual, and am working a double. I've done that a lot lately. Had to make up for losing a few of my weekend shifts and having to pay the bills my closet-transvestite ex-roommate left behind. Oh, what a year it's been.
More soon. I feel like there's other stuff I've forgotten to mention. And this may be the fatigue talking--but above all, right now, all I need anyone to know is that I am clearly a total bad-ass who is totally "worth it". I'm entirely too intelligent, fun, caring, cute, talented and generally awesome to put up with anyone who doesn't fully value me or anything that gets in my way. So there.
Love to you.
xo
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Gravity
"Something always brings me back to you...it never takes too long..."
I have to share this. It was performed again on the "So You Think You Can Dance" season finale just a little while ago. And of course I loved it the first time I saw it, but watching it again brought me to tears. It's especially affecting me now.
This song, this choreography, this creation of art--amazing. I just adore it.
More soon.
xo
I have to share this. It was performed again on the "So You Think You Can Dance" season finale just a little while ago. And of course I loved it the first time I saw it, but watching it again brought me to tears. It's especially affecting me now.
This song, this choreography, this creation of art--amazing. I just adore it.
More soon.
xo
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