Survivor

Hello (if anyone still reads this)...

Disclaimer: I worried about this sounding too whiny and/or dramatic, but then I remembered that it's my blog and I'll say whatever the fuck I want. (Yes, I just wrote "fuck" and my mom's probably reading this. Hi, Mom.) Why would you be here if you didn't want to read what I want to say? Go watch TV or something. This is how I vent. Besides, do you always mean everything you write down?

So it's been a really long time since I wrote...this is due to a lot of things--I haven't been through such a rough period in my life since I was 15. That was a time when my entire world was completely and totally turned upside down and I wondered how I'd make it out alive. And I did. I can only hope in this situation that things will turn out for the best, but honestly, my faith in anything good is being tested lately and I'm clinging to the very end of my rope.

This all started, as most of you know, with a breakup. There's a teeny, tiny chance of it, but I'm fully aware that the person who dumped me may be reading this (although why he would still be so interested is beyond me). If he is reading it, I invite him to comment and/or debate me on any points I may mention. Especially since he already knows quite well how I feel about the whole thing. I'm not trying to be malicious, I'm just stating the facts. Again, it's my blog, and why are you even here? So, that being said, this breakup just devastated me. More than I ever thought it would, because we only dated for two months. (Two months exactly--I was dumped on the two-month anniversary of the day we met, and four days before my birthday. Lovely and considerate timing, right?) Sure, for most people that barely constitutes a relationship, but I don't date just anyone. This was someone I was on the verge of falling in love with. Some of my girlfriends are of the opinion that just "getting back out there" and dating again is going to make me feel better about the situation, and myself, but that wasn't my habit before and I'm not about to start now. I can't date just for the sake of being around some random man that I don't even like--I find that to be a gigantic waste of my time and the guy's time. I'm just now getting to the point where I'm starting to find other guys attractive. At first, after the breakup, I'd look at other guys and feel absolutely nothing. No attraction; barely even registering their attractiveness on an objective level. But I digress. My point is, I met someone who seemed to really, really like me and want something serious. He was moving the relationship along faster than I was, actually. This person, after our first date, wanted to hang out with me twice a weekend from then on. And our dates would always be hours and hours long--we joked that we always had to "close the place down" because it happened on several occasions. I went completely all out for his birthday, and we went all out for each other on Valentine's Day. He told his family about me, told me I was the only one he was dating, called me "his ______" (insert term of endearment), constantly texted me back right away and called me (complete with kissy goodbye noises over the phone), etc. Things were moving in the right direction, albeit slightly fast. Then all of a sudden, he blew me off on a day we were supposed to hang out, and didn't answer my texts until late afternoon (highly abnormal for someone who had always been so good at those things). That was the day I knew something had changed--even though after I did my own thing that day, he sent me three texts later that night asking me where I was and saying he was sad. But the person I'd met on January 8th would never have done that to me. It was such a weird occurrence that by the time he'd texted me back that day, I was out of my mind with worry, thinking something medically serious had happened to him. Sure, that sounds crazy, but in my experience, you just never know. NEVER. You don't know anything. No one does. Things happen, especially when you live in New York. Not even just that--things happen when you least expect them. And when a woman really cares about someone (boyfriend or otherwise), one of our instincts is to think that something awful has happened to them. Guys don't think like that, I don't believe. If it's been a really long time, maybe. Girls I know who regularly put up with shit from guys may not think to worry, either. But THIS WAS SO OUT OF CHARACTER for this person. So I freaked, but then we moved past it, or so I thought. A couple weeks later, it was over. The reasoning was rather vague (the old "we moved really fast, it's really intense, I can't be responsible in this relationship"--pretty much the "it's not you, it's me" excuse), but I'm pretty sure it just boils down to the fact that he got bored and trapped and tired of making the effort it takes to be in a relationship. Even though I thought I was pretty low-key and never consciously demanded that he do anything to prove himself to me--most of the pressure about keeping me happy was imagined on his part. Surely, he also wanted to see what else was out there--his profile is back up on the dating website where we met. That fact just makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, but even if that's not it, he did stop wanting me. That sounds harsh (and it is), but why else do people lose interest? They don't want you. The reason WHY they don't want you may be entirely their problem, but the fact is, they don't want you. And he didn't want me anymore. But if we'd both been taking it slow and we mutually realized it wasn't going to work out, it would have been easier to deal with. Rather than, metaphorically speaking, him taking my hand and sprinting forward with all his energy, taking me along, and then suddenly letting go--skidding to a complete stop and letting me run straight into a brick wall. It's like we both got into a car, he took the wheel and stepped on the gas as hard as he could, and then he slammed on the brakes and jumped out while I flew through the windshield. My friend Chrystal made an interesting point the other day--when you decide you're in a relationship with someone, when you decide to pull someone in like that, it becomes about both of you, not just one of you. You can't ask for that level of devotion and commitment and then decide you don't want it anymore without consulting the other person. We're talking about a guy who, if I didn't answer a text within an hour (tops), he'd text again. Who, one night, affectionately wanted to know how long he'd have to wait until I called him back. Who left me voicemails saying how much he couldn't wait to hear me. And he was the one who left. And you'd think that at age 29, a person would know the difference between being infatuated with someone and falling in love. But my brother told me, not long after this happened, never to take a man's age as any indication of his maturity. And God, do I believe him. I have to believe him, or I'll never survive dating a man of any age again without wanting to punch him in the mouth. There are immature women, of course--but in this situation, the guy really never should have said most of the things he said to me. I hope that this experience has taught him to take things more slowly and only say serious things if he's sure those feelings are going to last. Not just because they sound nice. If I'd known that he was going to lose interest so rapidly, I'd rather have not heard those things at all. Because now they're meaningless. And for a girl who already had trust issues, my lesson was to be wary of someone who gives their heart way too quickly. It's all very sweet and adorable at first, but in the end, it hurts like a bitch--especially when he's the one who gives up on you.

I'm slowly, slowly feeling better about this but I still have my moments. It's only natural, considering how nonsensical it all is and how much I really liked this guy. And considering the other bad shit going on in my life right now--it's all collapsed down on me at the same time. Everything happening at once makes me feel complete despair about life in general--about all the issues, not just one at a time. Currently, right this second, I'm worried about not being able to find a roommate and the fact that my landlord called me earlier asking me for $750 more dollars to cover the absent roommate's rent for April. I'm hoping and praying that the great roommate interview I had last night will pan out, or that if it doesn't, a friend and I can find another affordable place. That's kind of an option. But long story short, I have quite possibly the worst roommate luck of all time. I am sick to death of searching for one, and I dread the process every single time. And I've been actively looking since March, but it seems to be the worst time ever to try to find someone. I found someone good relatively quickly last time, but she only stayed for 6 months due to money issues. I was under the impression that she'd be able to stay longer (she told me as much when she moved in, but things happened that were beyond her control), and this search has been probably the hardest yet. First of all, I've been posting like mad on Facebook, Craigslist, Village Voice and Roommates.com. I emailed over fifty people--FIFTY!--on Roommates.com but apparently not many people on there are actually serious about finding a room or writing people back. And it's even a new room, with pics included in the ad...and still, not very many replies. I mentioned in the ad that I'm looking for someone to be here for one year, no exceptions, and maybe that's scared a lot of people off but I REFUSE to go through this again in six months or three months or whatever. I can't. It's practically given me a nervous breakdown this time around.

So this is going on and suddenly, tonight I get a call from my landlord (who, by the way, is a total slacker) saying that I'm responsible for the other half of the rent for April. You know, now that it's the 19th he thought he'd let me know, even though he made no mention of that on the first or any other time. He then claimed to have renovated the room "to help" me find a new roommate (which cost $2,000), even though I never ever asked him to do that. He looked at the room and decided that instead of just repainting and cleaning the floor, he'd totally redo it, giving me a week's worth of irritation that was really only supposed to be a three-day process at most. Random men in my house, leaving the toilet seat up and dust and dirt all over everything and not being gone when I got home from work...pain in my ass. And suddenly, since I'm unable to force anyone into living with me and because I didn't just take the first person to view the room (there have only been three) and because I can't make people keep viewing appointments they claim to want, I'm responsible. Even typing it out seems stupid. It's completely unfair and I have no idea if he's even allowed to do this. Please, please please please please let this new guy say yes--it's not going to solve this whole "you suddenly owe me $750 more" thing, but at least it'd put my mind at ease. New guy and I got along really well, but he had two more places to look at today and said he'd let me know tomorrow. And if he doesn't want to move in, I may just move out. I shouldn't have to take this shit from someone who won't even shampoo the living room carpet from damages sustained from the leaking ceiling, and won't even fix the electricity in my kitchen that has been broken since the last day of room renovations. It's been broken for weeks now. And I'm supposed to pay him money I don't personally owe him? Bitch, please.

So there's that, and then the other thing that happened was that I didn't get roles in either of the shows I thought I'd get into. God, worst birthday month of my life. Hands down. Those auditions both took place within a couple weeks of the breakup, and while I don't expect to get every role I audition for, it was just really shitty timing not to get into EITHER show at a time when I already felt really fragile. It just made me feel completely unwanted, and so has everything else. No boyfriend, no roommate, no show. And shows are such a good distraction--when I'm in a show, it becomes my life. And when I'm not in one, I feel worthless, like even the thing I'm supposed to be good at isn't working out right. This doesn't really bother me as much as the other things, because again--you can't win them all. I'm still a performr and always will be. But still--awful timing. I'll get into another show at some point. But I can't focus properly on anything right now--I keep having feelings that I want to just run away from it all. These days I either don't sleep enough or I sleep way too much. Every time I think, "Well, it could be worse", it gets worse. It's almost comical, how much bad luck I've been running into lately. And my strength, my faith, my survival instincts, my optimism--they're all being tested. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but no one really knows what to say because they can't fix the maelstrom that is my life. And by now I would have died without music (like literally, shriveled up and died), but until things improve...I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. All the "God never gives you more than you can handle/it's always darkest before the dawn/everything happens for a reason/I will survive" bullshit only goes so far...and then there you are, still yourself, with no boyfriend, no roommate, and no show. STILL. It's such a feeling of desperation, of panic, of loneliness and hopelessness and fear.

I'm going to get through this, I know. But right now, that feeling is the tiniest part of me. Most of me is just wondering what I could have done to deserve such an amazing amount of misfortune, and wondering why nothing is getting better yet when I'm trying my hardest. Everyone goes through rough times, and it really could get worse (I hesitate to even say that because tomorrow I bet twelve more bad things will happen). It actually helps me to hear that other people have felt the same about breakups, and that this was minor compared to what other people have gone through. And my landlord is just going to have to deal--I don't know what to tell him. And as for shows...it'll happen. I've got talent, I've just got to stay out there.

So I'm done, for now, with the "poor me" rant.
But for God's sake, something has got to give.