Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
My Own Worst Enemy
Okay. It's been far, far too long.
One night this past week, I was really tired, or so I thought. I tried going to bed early, only to toss and turn for what seemed like hours. I finally turned the light back on, opened up my laptop, and started writing. And after I was done? I fell asleep. So this is something I need to remember about myself. I need to write. Since I was a child, it has been a way for me to collect my thoughts, to make sense of things, to breathe emotionally. To get it out. Sometimes I look back on things I wrote and don't even remember/believe I wrote them. Which, I think, is a good sign because I get into a state of realness when I write. Not censoring myself and worrying about what will sound good later--just kind of letting it all hang out. That's something about myself that, for better or for worse, is obviously here to stay. Somehow, I will express myself, whether it's talking or writing or singing or what have you--and I think that's better than living inside yourself.
Speaking of which, I've been thinking a lot about myself as a person and trying to look at myself objectively. Recently I went through a period of deep, deep depression. I'm not saying it'll never happen again or that I'm completely out of the woods, but sometimes...things get bad for me, worse than I'm willing to admit for fear of sounding whiny or self-absorbed or...whatever. It would take years of therapy to really work this out, I bet, and it's something I've been doing a little research on lately. But there are periods where I will cry every day, where I will feel completely purposeless and sick of everyone and everything, where I wonder if it's worth trying anymore to find someone to love. A lot of factors contribute to this depression--and I'm not going to list them, but it's a big ol' mess inside me, I'm sure.
Anyway, so part of it is that momentous things were happening for me last year at this time, relationship-wise, or so I thought. The whole thing turned out to be a total farce, and now that person is with someone else, which (no matter how strong you are or think you are), fucks with you. You start wondering, "Well, what did I do wrong? Was I really that bad of a person that they couldn't work through it with me? Why her and not me? Why does he get to be happy and not me, when he's the one who was unhappy and ended it to begin with?" etc. etc. etc. until you just have to realize that it probably wasn't your fault. I will never know the reasons behind why it's her and not me, or even if they'll last, but I have to stop thinking it's any of my business. It's just hard when you really, really give yourself to someone emotionally, you really start to care about them and think about being with them in a long-term way, and then suddenly, just like that, it's over. It gives you doubts about whether any of it was real in the first place, and makes you feel stupid for having fallen for any of it. And it didn't make things better that after a month or two of no contact, we started acting like we could just be friends again. Now, I was willing to try this out, and it wasn't one-sided--he'd contact me, I'd contact him, etc. etc. But that was just an ego stroke on his part, to make himself believe he wasn't this awful person who had done something so horrible that we couldn't even talk anymore. I remember during the phone call that ended it, he blurted out, "Can I still call you?" and at the time I should have said no and stuck to it. But you want to believe this person still cares about you, you want to know you're not this hateful person, and a teeny tiny part of you (or a big part, depending on who we're talking about) wants them to suddenly realize how dumb they are for breaking it off, and for them to come back. I'm not saying I'd let this person back in wholly and completely, even right afterward, but at the time I'd have liked to hear "I don't know what I was thinking, this was the wrong decision, I never should have done it" blah blah. And the fact that he was still calling afterward (only after I eventually said he could) made me happy, I'll admit. The fact that he sounded just as lonely and bored as I was--it was validation that maybe he should have tried working through his own issues before abandoning me. But now...there's someone else in the picture and I have nothing substantial going on. That + shitty weather and seasonal depression + one year ago I was really happy + insecurities that have been with me since I was a little girl + not being on medication, which I probably should be by now = yikes. Not a healthy girl.
For a while, I was actually dating a guy I started to get really, really into. I'm not going to get into the specifics of why this also didn't work out, but we went back and forth (no matter how much he would insist that it was 100% my doing, it wasn't) emotionally and physically before the final straw, which was pretty recently. This person was bad for me, and bad in the way that if I asked him right now, he would insist that his being bad for me is somehow my fault. Which is the core of the badness. No matter what, it was always about my issues. Him telling me what I wanted and needed, him suggesting ways I could improve myself when I never asked him for that--I only wanted someone to try and understand, not try and fix. And someone who constantly feels the need to make fun of someone and never compliment her when she is someone he supposedly likes has SERIOUS, SERIOUS ISSUES of his own to work on. I never knew what he was thinking until it was too late to talk about it; instead I'd ask what was going on and just be talked AT, with an overly cerebral pseudo-psychological explanation of bullshit surrounding my issues (ie, "I'm not ever going to tell you you're pretty because you wouldn't believe it anyway" is loosely what I got concerning that issue). I could never, ever get him to open up emotionally, instead it had to be all about me and the fact that I supposedly needed something he could never give me. (Like, I don't know, common courtesy as a woman and just the teeniest, tiniest bit of compassion and sensitivity about my feelings.) As though I was looking for a psychologist, not just someone human who has a heart and will just hold me through all the madness. Someone who will tell me he likes me, plain and simple. Someone who won't get completely defensive when I ask what's going on. Someone who is not trying as hard as he can to push people away and sabotage what could have been a good relationship or at least a good try. I felt...dumped on. I felt belittled. I felt incriminated every time I tried to get below the surface. And after all the false starts, regardless of how serious or casual our relationship was in the end (we were never a couple and by the end I certainly wasn't trying to be one), he ended up saying the most insensitive thing that anyone has probably ever said to me, about something extremely vulnerable, and that's when I knew I had to end it for good. This wasn't that long ago, and although it's been hard to let go of it because I really did like certain things about him, every time I get so lonely I think about getting back in touch, I remember that exchange and it sets me straight. I hope I never lose sight of it, or the fact that he never really liked me that much to begin with. Or if he did, he had a funny way of showing it. Or he was just raised completely wrong, or something happened to fuck him up badly along the way. Whatever it is, I will give him credit for giving me a warning every once in a while that he was not the one for me. Sometimes it was blatant, other times it was more subtle and an instinct on my part. He showed me who he was, and I should have believed it the first time. However, claims of having complete self-control and/or claims of emotional/physical indifference about me after the "let's just be friends" talk have been grossly exaggerated.
One of my Facebook friends posted a status update the other day that said this: "When a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are pockets." And suddenly it was a lightbulb moment--I need to stop giving myself to emotional pickpockets. Now, if you'd asked me at the beginning of my relationship last year whether or not that person was an emotional pickpocket? I'd have said "Of course not." Without a doubt in my mind. But this was because we didn't take the time to get to know each other emotionally or mentally before we decided we were head over heels. Or rather, HE did, and I just idiotically let myself be taken for a ride because, well, I really liked him and could have seen myself being totally in love with him one day. For me (and this is why I think it's so hard for me to let go of people), it's a huge risk to let anyone in. And THIS IS NOT JUST FOR ME. It's for all of us, and we're all scared to fucking death of it, but some of us are more open to it than others because we know that's what it means to live. To be alive. I guess you have to let that happen when it's your time to happen, and we all have different times where we realize it. So anyway, when I let down my guard and let you in? You're in for life. Which is a lovely quality but also turns out to be a hindrance to myself, because what I'm saying is that I'm not ever going to let you go, no matter how bad things get between us. I'd never just be "done" with someone altogether. I'm forever willing to give another chance, second-guessing myself as to what it was that I did to drive someone away and not realizing that holding onto them isn't always the best idea, no matter how good a person they seemed to be. Because you want to believe yourself so badly, believe that you're smarter than to let bad people into your life. And no one I've been into romantically is a "bad" person. I don't even know if I believe in that. I believe certain circumstances led people to certain points and that we aren't inherently bad. It's just that we don't all know how to deal. None of us know what the fuck we're doing, really, when it comes right down to it. And so maybe we pickpocket people emotionally, without even realizing it. Things got very intense between me and last year's guy, very very quickly, and though it seemed at first that he was ALL about making me happy, it turned out that his need to make me happy was just something he had to prove to himself. At least, that's the way I see it--making it all about him. Putting emotional demands on me (as gently as he did this, he did it) so early in the game, making me believe he was one kind of person (although the insecurities slipped out more often than I'm sure he would have liked), and then, losing interest and pulling the plug when he knew I was emotionally invested and that he felt like he couldn't actually demonstrate the things he'd claimed to feel for me. That, in essence, was the issue--I think he wanted a relationship so badly that he fast-forwarded right past initial attraction into intense infatuation that he mistook for falling in love, and he pulled me right into it with him and then freaked out and backed off once it was time for shit to actually get real. When really, shit should have been real to begin with. I should have been smarter than to let myself get sucked into something that moved so quickly, but it just all felt so damn good that I wanted to be open to the possibility that, hey, maybe this is it. Maybe someone really IS that crazy about me. Well, he wasn't. Or he would have tried harder to keep me. He was just looking for someone who would validate him, who would stroke his ego and let him get what he wanted, and then he was like, "Oh fuck, I don't even want to make her happy. I want to make me happy. By leaving once I've conquered her emotionally." It's such a childish impulse, to get what you want and then not want it anymore. Immature, and insecure, this person. Seems to be all about you, but doesn't want you looking any closer at him. I always, always got the feeling he was keeping things from me, things about his past or upbringing or whatever that kept him from being realistic. Things I would have accepted as part of him being HUMAN and not perfect. I want to ask, to this day: "Who did this to you?"
So yes, he turned out to be an emotional pickpocket, trying to get confidence/validation/normalcy/whatever from me, and once he got what he wanted, he left. The other guy I was into, although he showed it in completely the opposite way, also needs something from people whether he ever admits it or not. He needs to feel in control, as though he knows more about how people are than they do, knows people better than they know themselves, is smarter than everyone else, cannot allow himself to ever be vulnerable or available in any way. You'd think that'd be a very lonely life, and you'd be right. I hope that someday he lets someone make him happy without feeling the need to criticize/expose/make fun of/stonewall/push her away. To stop being so much in his mind and start being more in his heart. I doubt he'd even admit to having one, and the things he says sometimes put serious doubts in mine about its presence. But that's only when I get angry about it. When I get sad about it, it's because I know it's in there. Every once in a while I'd see a shadow of feeling in there. I just wish he'd let it out more, and if it's with someone else, more power to him for eventually letting it happen. In that case, at least I'm sure that it wasn't me. And in my heart I know the first case wasn't me either.
So what would I like to tell myself? What have I learned from all of this?
1) Get to know someone inside and out before you decide they're worthy of your affections. Friends or otherwise, there is a chance they could pickpocket you emotionally and leave you in a state you have to pull yourself out of. Luckily, the people who DO really care about you will care whether or not you're emotionally healthy, and will give rather than take.
2) Speaking of which, you aren't a bitch. Repeat: you. are not. a bitch. You have moody tendencies, sure, and are not always Merry Fucking Sunshine ;) But you live authentically, you love authentically, and you are a good person. You aren't selfish, or overly difficult, or unworthy. You are honest and quirky and creative and the people you love are aware of it. You show your love to them--probably not enough, and this can be worked on. But they know it. And anyone who would drop anything if a friend or family member needed her is certainly not a bitch. You are, inside, a sweet and caring and thoughtful person who would do anything for the most important people in your life. And you know what? Anyone who DOES think you're a bitch only knows you on an inconsequential surface level, meaning it's okay if they don't like you. Because they don't matter. You know who does. The people who stuck around long enough to find out who you really are, and the people who helped make you this way.
3) If you saw yourself in a movie--if you were watching someone who is exactly like you, only NOT you, in a movie--what would you say to yourself? Would you be proud of your decisions, your actions, your motivations, and what makes your life? Because you're great at giving advice to others, but when it comes to yourself, you lose sight of your own interests. Taking better emotional care of yourself does not make you selfish. It will allow you to, so to speak, let the right ones in. Study yourself and take a step back and don't get lost. Let your mind teach you and your heart guide you.
4) While you anticipate loving someone else, get back to the things YOU love. Immerse yourself in them. Writing. Reading. Singing. Often. As much as you hate to actually announce this? You are amazingly talented. This is part of that whole "taking a look at yourself objectively" thing--do not be so hard on yourself that you forget the good stuff. Your voice has untapped power. Singing and otherwise.
5) You don't know when love's going to happen. Don't force it. But don't give up either. Try to find somewhere in the middle of that and maybe it'll happen that way.
*Big, huge sigh*
See what I meant about getting it all out?
xoxo
One night this past week, I was really tired, or so I thought. I tried going to bed early, only to toss and turn for what seemed like hours. I finally turned the light back on, opened up my laptop, and started writing. And after I was done? I fell asleep. So this is something I need to remember about myself. I need to write. Since I was a child, it has been a way for me to collect my thoughts, to make sense of things, to breathe emotionally. To get it out. Sometimes I look back on things I wrote and don't even remember/believe I wrote them. Which, I think, is a good sign because I get into a state of realness when I write. Not censoring myself and worrying about what will sound good later--just kind of letting it all hang out. That's something about myself that, for better or for worse, is obviously here to stay. Somehow, I will express myself, whether it's talking or writing or singing or what have you--and I think that's better than living inside yourself.
Speaking of which, I've been thinking a lot about myself as a person and trying to look at myself objectively. Recently I went through a period of deep, deep depression. I'm not saying it'll never happen again or that I'm completely out of the woods, but sometimes...things get bad for me, worse than I'm willing to admit for fear of sounding whiny or self-absorbed or...whatever. It would take years of therapy to really work this out, I bet, and it's something I've been doing a little research on lately. But there are periods where I will cry every day, where I will feel completely purposeless and sick of everyone and everything, where I wonder if it's worth trying anymore to find someone to love. A lot of factors contribute to this depression--and I'm not going to list them, but it's a big ol' mess inside me, I'm sure.
Anyway, so part of it is that momentous things were happening for me last year at this time, relationship-wise, or so I thought. The whole thing turned out to be a total farce, and now that person is with someone else, which (no matter how strong you are or think you are), fucks with you. You start wondering, "Well, what did I do wrong? Was I really that bad of a person that they couldn't work through it with me? Why her and not me? Why does he get to be happy and not me, when he's the one who was unhappy and ended it to begin with?" etc. etc. etc. until you just have to realize that it probably wasn't your fault. I will never know the reasons behind why it's her and not me, or even if they'll last, but I have to stop thinking it's any of my business. It's just hard when you really, really give yourself to someone emotionally, you really start to care about them and think about being with them in a long-term way, and then suddenly, just like that, it's over. It gives you doubts about whether any of it was real in the first place, and makes you feel stupid for having fallen for any of it. And it didn't make things better that after a month or two of no contact, we started acting like we could just be friends again. Now, I was willing to try this out, and it wasn't one-sided--he'd contact me, I'd contact him, etc. etc. But that was just an ego stroke on his part, to make himself believe he wasn't this awful person who had done something so horrible that we couldn't even talk anymore. I remember during the phone call that ended it, he blurted out, "Can I still call you?" and at the time I should have said no and stuck to it. But you want to believe this person still cares about you, you want to know you're not this hateful person, and a teeny tiny part of you (or a big part, depending on who we're talking about) wants them to suddenly realize how dumb they are for breaking it off, and for them to come back. I'm not saying I'd let this person back in wholly and completely, even right afterward, but at the time I'd have liked to hear "I don't know what I was thinking, this was the wrong decision, I never should have done it" blah blah. And the fact that he was still calling afterward (only after I eventually said he could) made me happy, I'll admit. The fact that he sounded just as lonely and bored as I was--it was validation that maybe he should have tried working through his own issues before abandoning me. But now...there's someone else in the picture and I have nothing substantial going on. That + shitty weather and seasonal depression + one year ago I was really happy + insecurities that have been with me since I was a little girl + not being on medication, which I probably should be by now = yikes. Not a healthy girl.
For a while, I was actually dating a guy I started to get really, really into. I'm not going to get into the specifics of why this also didn't work out, but we went back and forth (no matter how much he would insist that it was 100% my doing, it wasn't) emotionally and physically before the final straw, which was pretty recently. This person was bad for me, and bad in the way that if I asked him right now, he would insist that his being bad for me is somehow my fault. Which is the core of the badness. No matter what, it was always about my issues. Him telling me what I wanted and needed, him suggesting ways I could improve myself when I never asked him for that--I only wanted someone to try and understand, not try and fix. And someone who constantly feels the need to make fun of someone and never compliment her when she is someone he supposedly likes has SERIOUS, SERIOUS ISSUES of his own to work on. I never knew what he was thinking until it was too late to talk about it; instead I'd ask what was going on and just be talked AT, with an overly cerebral pseudo-psychological explanation of bullshit surrounding my issues (ie, "I'm not ever going to tell you you're pretty because you wouldn't believe it anyway" is loosely what I got concerning that issue). I could never, ever get him to open up emotionally, instead it had to be all about me and the fact that I supposedly needed something he could never give me. (Like, I don't know, common courtesy as a woman and just the teeniest, tiniest bit of compassion and sensitivity about my feelings.) As though I was looking for a psychologist, not just someone human who has a heart and will just hold me through all the madness. Someone who will tell me he likes me, plain and simple. Someone who won't get completely defensive when I ask what's going on. Someone who is not trying as hard as he can to push people away and sabotage what could have been a good relationship or at least a good try. I felt...dumped on. I felt belittled. I felt incriminated every time I tried to get below the surface. And after all the false starts, regardless of how serious or casual our relationship was in the end (we were never a couple and by the end I certainly wasn't trying to be one), he ended up saying the most insensitive thing that anyone has probably ever said to me, about something extremely vulnerable, and that's when I knew I had to end it for good. This wasn't that long ago, and although it's been hard to let go of it because I really did like certain things about him, every time I get so lonely I think about getting back in touch, I remember that exchange and it sets me straight. I hope I never lose sight of it, or the fact that he never really liked me that much to begin with. Or if he did, he had a funny way of showing it. Or he was just raised completely wrong, or something happened to fuck him up badly along the way. Whatever it is, I will give him credit for giving me a warning every once in a while that he was not the one for me. Sometimes it was blatant, other times it was more subtle and an instinct on my part. He showed me who he was, and I should have believed it the first time. However, claims of having complete self-control and/or claims of emotional/physical indifference about me after the "let's just be friends" talk have been grossly exaggerated.
One of my Facebook friends posted a status update the other day that said this: "When a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are pockets." And suddenly it was a lightbulb moment--I need to stop giving myself to emotional pickpockets. Now, if you'd asked me at the beginning of my relationship last year whether or not that person was an emotional pickpocket? I'd have said "Of course not." Without a doubt in my mind. But this was because we didn't take the time to get to know each other emotionally or mentally before we decided we were head over heels. Or rather, HE did, and I just idiotically let myself be taken for a ride because, well, I really liked him and could have seen myself being totally in love with him one day. For me (and this is why I think it's so hard for me to let go of people), it's a huge risk to let anyone in. And THIS IS NOT JUST FOR ME. It's for all of us, and we're all scared to fucking death of it, but some of us are more open to it than others because we know that's what it means to live. To be alive. I guess you have to let that happen when it's your time to happen, and we all have different times where we realize it. So anyway, when I let down my guard and let you in? You're in for life. Which is a lovely quality but also turns out to be a hindrance to myself, because what I'm saying is that I'm not ever going to let you go, no matter how bad things get between us. I'd never just be "done" with someone altogether. I'm forever willing to give another chance, second-guessing myself as to what it was that I did to drive someone away and not realizing that holding onto them isn't always the best idea, no matter how good a person they seemed to be. Because you want to believe yourself so badly, believe that you're smarter than to let bad people into your life. And no one I've been into romantically is a "bad" person. I don't even know if I believe in that. I believe certain circumstances led people to certain points and that we aren't inherently bad. It's just that we don't all know how to deal. None of us know what the fuck we're doing, really, when it comes right down to it. And so maybe we pickpocket people emotionally, without even realizing it. Things got very intense between me and last year's guy, very very quickly, and though it seemed at first that he was ALL about making me happy, it turned out that his need to make me happy was just something he had to prove to himself. At least, that's the way I see it--making it all about him. Putting emotional demands on me (as gently as he did this, he did it) so early in the game, making me believe he was one kind of person (although the insecurities slipped out more often than I'm sure he would have liked), and then, losing interest and pulling the plug when he knew I was emotionally invested and that he felt like he couldn't actually demonstrate the things he'd claimed to feel for me. That, in essence, was the issue--I think he wanted a relationship so badly that he fast-forwarded right past initial attraction into intense infatuation that he mistook for falling in love, and he pulled me right into it with him and then freaked out and backed off once it was time for shit to actually get real. When really, shit should have been real to begin with. I should have been smarter than to let myself get sucked into something that moved so quickly, but it just all felt so damn good that I wanted to be open to the possibility that, hey, maybe this is it. Maybe someone really IS that crazy about me. Well, he wasn't. Or he would have tried harder to keep me. He was just looking for someone who would validate him, who would stroke his ego and let him get what he wanted, and then he was like, "Oh fuck, I don't even want to make her happy. I want to make me happy. By leaving once I've conquered her emotionally." It's such a childish impulse, to get what you want and then not want it anymore. Immature, and insecure, this person. Seems to be all about you, but doesn't want you looking any closer at him. I always, always got the feeling he was keeping things from me, things about his past or upbringing or whatever that kept him from being realistic. Things I would have accepted as part of him being HUMAN and not perfect. I want to ask, to this day: "Who did this to you?"
So yes, he turned out to be an emotional pickpocket, trying to get confidence/validation/normalcy/whatever from me, and once he got what he wanted, he left. The other guy I was into, although he showed it in completely the opposite way, also needs something from people whether he ever admits it or not. He needs to feel in control, as though he knows more about how people are than they do, knows people better than they know themselves, is smarter than everyone else, cannot allow himself to ever be vulnerable or available in any way. You'd think that'd be a very lonely life, and you'd be right. I hope that someday he lets someone make him happy without feeling the need to criticize/expose/make fun of/stonewall/push her away. To stop being so much in his mind and start being more in his heart. I doubt he'd even admit to having one, and the things he says sometimes put serious doubts in mine about its presence. But that's only when I get angry about it. When I get sad about it, it's because I know it's in there. Every once in a while I'd see a shadow of feeling in there. I just wish he'd let it out more, and if it's with someone else, more power to him for eventually letting it happen. In that case, at least I'm sure that it wasn't me. And in my heart I know the first case wasn't me either.
So what would I like to tell myself? What have I learned from all of this?
1) Get to know someone inside and out before you decide they're worthy of your affections. Friends or otherwise, there is a chance they could pickpocket you emotionally and leave you in a state you have to pull yourself out of. Luckily, the people who DO really care about you will care whether or not you're emotionally healthy, and will give rather than take.
2) Speaking of which, you aren't a bitch. Repeat: you. are not. a bitch. You have moody tendencies, sure, and are not always Merry Fucking Sunshine ;) But you live authentically, you love authentically, and you are a good person. You aren't selfish, or overly difficult, or unworthy. You are honest and quirky and creative and the people you love are aware of it. You show your love to them--probably not enough, and this can be worked on. But they know it. And anyone who would drop anything if a friend or family member needed her is certainly not a bitch. You are, inside, a sweet and caring and thoughtful person who would do anything for the most important people in your life. And you know what? Anyone who DOES think you're a bitch only knows you on an inconsequential surface level, meaning it's okay if they don't like you. Because they don't matter. You know who does. The people who stuck around long enough to find out who you really are, and the people who helped make you this way.
3) If you saw yourself in a movie--if you were watching someone who is exactly like you, only NOT you, in a movie--what would you say to yourself? Would you be proud of your decisions, your actions, your motivations, and what makes your life? Because you're great at giving advice to others, but when it comes to yourself, you lose sight of your own interests. Taking better emotional care of yourself does not make you selfish. It will allow you to, so to speak, let the right ones in. Study yourself and take a step back and don't get lost. Let your mind teach you and your heart guide you.
4) While you anticipate loving someone else, get back to the things YOU love. Immerse yourself in them. Writing. Reading. Singing. Often. As much as you hate to actually announce this? You are amazingly talented. This is part of that whole "taking a look at yourself objectively" thing--do not be so hard on yourself that you forget the good stuff. Your voice has untapped power. Singing and otherwise.
5) You don't know when love's going to happen. Don't force it. But don't give up either. Try to find somewhere in the middle of that and maybe it'll happen that way.
*Big, huge sigh*
See what I meant about getting it all out?
xoxo
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)
I never actually listened to the lyrics before now, but why is this song so amazing? Why is this VIDEO so amazing?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Speechless
Why? 'Cause I loves her. I think she looks beautiful in this video, and sounds even better.
Survivor
Hello (if anyone still reads this)...
Disclaimer: I worried about this sounding too whiny and/or dramatic, but then I remembered that it's my blog and I'll say whatever the fuck I want. (Yes, I just wrote "fuck" and my mom's probably reading this. Hi, Mom.) Why would you be here if you didn't want to read what I want to say? Go watch TV or something. This is how I vent. Besides, do you always mean everything you write down?
So it's been a really long time since I wrote...this is due to a lot of things--I haven't been through such a rough period in my life since I was 15. That was a time when my entire world was completely and totally turned upside down and I wondered how I'd make it out alive. And I did. I can only hope in this situation that things will turn out for the best, but honestly, my faith in anything good is being tested lately and I'm clinging to the very end of my rope.
This all started, as most of you know, with a breakup. There's a teeny, tiny chance of it, but I'm fully aware that the person who dumped me may be reading this (although why he would still be so interested is beyond me). If he is reading it, I invite him to comment and/or debate me on any points I may mention. Especially since he already knows quite well how I feel about the whole thing. I'm not trying to be malicious, I'm just stating the facts. Again, it's my blog, and why are you even here? So, that being said, this breakup just devastated me. More than I ever thought it would, because we only dated for two months. (Two months exactly--I was dumped on the two-month anniversary of the day we met, and four days before my birthday. Lovely and considerate timing, right?) Sure, for most people that barely constitutes a relationship, but I don't date just anyone. This was someone I was on the verge of falling in love with. Some of my girlfriends are of the opinion that just "getting back out there" and dating again is going to make me feel better about the situation, and myself, but that wasn't my habit before and I'm not about to start now. I can't date just for the sake of being around some random man that I don't even like--I find that to be a gigantic waste of my time and the guy's time. I'm just now getting to the point where I'm starting to find other guys attractive. At first, after the breakup, I'd look at other guys and feel absolutely nothing. No attraction; barely even registering their attractiveness on an objective level. But I digress. My point is, I met someone who seemed to really, really like me and want something serious. He was moving the relationship along faster than I was, actually. This person, after our first date, wanted to hang out with me twice a weekend from then on. And our dates would always be hours and hours long--we joked that we always had to "close the place down" because it happened on several occasions. I went completely all out for his birthday, and we went all out for each other on Valentine's Day. He told his family about me, told me I was the only one he was dating, called me "his ______" (insert term of endearment), constantly texted me back right away and called me (complete with kissy goodbye noises over the phone), etc. Things were moving in the right direction, albeit slightly fast. Then all of a sudden, he blew me off on a day we were supposed to hang out, and didn't answer my texts until late afternoon (highly abnormal for someone who had always been so good at those things). That was the day I knew something had changed--even though after I did my own thing that day, he sent me three texts later that night asking me where I was and saying he was sad. But the person I'd met on January 8th would never have done that to me. It was such a weird occurrence that by the time he'd texted me back that day, I was out of my mind with worry, thinking something medically serious had happened to him. Sure, that sounds crazy, but in my experience, you just never know. NEVER. You don't know anything. No one does. Things happen, especially when you live in New York. Not even just that--things happen when you least expect them. And when a woman really cares about someone (boyfriend or otherwise), one of our instincts is to think that something awful has happened to them. Guys don't think like that, I don't believe. If it's been a really long time, maybe. Girls I know who regularly put up with shit from guys may not think to worry, either. But THIS WAS SO OUT OF CHARACTER for this person. So I freaked, but then we moved past it, or so I thought. A couple weeks later, it was over. The reasoning was rather vague (the old "we moved really fast, it's really intense, I can't be responsible in this relationship"--pretty much the "it's not you, it's me" excuse), but I'm pretty sure it just boils down to the fact that he got bored and trapped and tired of making the effort it takes to be in a relationship. Even though I thought I was pretty low-key and never consciously demanded that he do anything to prove himself to me--most of the pressure about keeping me happy was imagined on his part. Surely, he also wanted to see what else was out there--his profile is back up on the dating website where we met. That fact just makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, but even if that's not it, he did stop wanting me. That sounds harsh (and it is), but why else do people lose interest? They don't want you. The reason WHY they don't want you may be entirely their problem, but the fact is, they don't want you. And he didn't want me anymore. But if we'd both been taking it slow and we mutually realized it wasn't going to work out, it would have been easier to deal with. Rather than, metaphorically speaking, him taking my hand and sprinting forward with all his energy, taking me along, and then suddenly letting go--skidding to a complete stop and letting me run straight into a brick wall. It's like we both got into a car, he took the wheel and stepped on the gas as hard as he could, and then he slammed on the brakes and jumped out while I flew through the windshield. My friend Chrystal made an interesting point the other day--when you decide you're in a relationship with someone, when you decide to pull someone in like that, it becomes about both of you, not just one of you. You can't ask for that level of devotion and commitment and then decide you don't want it anymore without consulting the other person. We're talking about a guy who, if I didn't answer a text within an hour (tops), he'd text again. Who, one night, affectionately wanted to know how long he'd have to wait until I called him back. Who left me voicemails saying how much he couldn't wait to hear me. And he was the one who left. And you'd think that at age 29, a person would know the difference between being infatuated with someone and falling in love. But my brother told me, not long after this happened, never to take a man's age as any indication of his maturity. And God, do I believe him. I have to believe him, or I'll never survive dating a man of any age again without wanting to punch him in the mouth. There are immature women, of course--but in this situation, the guy really never should have said most of the things he said to me. I hope that this experience has taught him to take things more slowly and only say serious things if he's sure those feelings are going to last. Not just because they sound nice. If I'd known that he was going to lose interest so rapidly, I'd rather have not heard those things at all. Because now they're meaningless. And for a girl who already had trust issues, my lesson was to be wary of someone who gives their heart way too quickly. It's all very sweet and adorable at first, but in the end, it hurts like a bitch--especially when he's the one who gives up on you.
I'm slowly, slowly feeling better about this but I still have my moments. It's only natural, considering how nonsensical it all is and how much I really liked this guy. And considering the other bad shit going on in my life right now--it's all collapsed down on me at the same time. Everything happening at once makes me feel complete despair about life in general--about all the issues, not just one at a time. Currently, right this second, I'm worried about not being able to find a roommate and the fact that my landlord called me earlier asking me for $750 more dollars to cover the absent roommate's rent for April. I'm hoping and praying that the great roommate interview I had last night will pan out, or that if it doesn't, a friend and I can find another affordable place. That's kind of an option. But long story short, I have quite possibly the worst roommate luck of all time. I am sick to death of searching for one, and I dread the process every single time. And I've been actively looking since March, but it seems to be the worst time ever to try to find someone. I found someone good relatively quickly last time, but she only stayed for 6 months due to money issues. I was under the impression that she'd be able to stay longer (she told me as much when she moved in, but things happened that were beyond her control), and this search has been probably the hardest yet. First of all, I've been posting like mad on Facebook, Craigslist, Village Voice and Roommates.com. I emailed over fifty people--FIFTY!--on Roommates.com but apparently not many people on there are actually serious about finding a room or writing people back. And it's even a new room, with pics included in the ad...and still, not very many replies. I mentioned in the ad that I'm looking for someone to be here for one year, no exceptions, and maybe that's scared a lot of people off but I REFUSE to go through this again in six months or three months or whatever. I can't. It's practically given me a nervous breakdown this time around.
So this is going on and suddenly, tonight I get a call from my landlord (who, by the way, is a total slacker) saying that I'm responsible for the other half of the rent for April. You know, now that it's the 19th he thought he'd let me know, even though he made no mention of that on the first or any other time. He then claimed to have renovated the room "to help" me find a new roommate (which cost $2,000), even though I never ever asked him to do that. He looked at the room and decided that instead of just repainting and cleaning the floor, he'd totally redo it, giving me a week's worth of irritation that was really only supposed to be a three-day process at most. Random men in my house, leaving the toilet seat up and dust and dirt all over everything and not being gone when I got home from work...pain in my ass. And suddenly, since I'm unable to force anyone into living with me and because I didn't just take the first person to view the room (there have only been three) and because I can't make people keep viewing appointments they claim to want, I'm responsible. Even typing it out seems stupid. It's completely unfair and I have no idea if he's even allowed to do this. Please, please please please please let this new guy say yes--it's not going to solve this whole "you suddenly owe me $750 more" thing, but at least it'd put my mind at ease. New guy and I got along really well, but he had two more places to look at today and said he'd let me know tomorrow. And if he doesn't want to move in, I may just move out. I shouldn't have to take this shit from someone who won't even shampoo the living room carpet from damages sustained from the leaking ceiling, and won't even fix the electricity in my kitchen that has been broken since the last day of room renovations. It's been broken for weeks now. And I'm supposed to pay him money I don't personally owe him? Bitch, please.
So there's that, and then the other thing that happened was that I didn't get roles in either of the shows I thought I'd get into. God, worst birthday month of my life. Hands down. Those auditions both took place within a couple weeks of the breakup, and while I don't expect to get every role I audition for, it was just really shitty timing not to get into EITHER show at a time when I already felt really fragile. It just made me feel completely unwanted, and so has everything else. No boyfriend, no roommate, no show. And shows are such a good distraction--when I'm in a show, it becomes my life. And when I'm not in one, I feel worthless, like even the thing I'm supposed to be good at isn't working out right. This doesn't really bother me as much as the other things, because again--you can't win them all. I'm still a performr and always will be. But still--awful timing. I'll get into another show at some point. But I can't focus properly on anything right now--I keep having feelings that I want to just run away from it all. These days I either don't sleep enough or I sleep way too much. Every time I think, "Well, it could be worse", it gets worse. It's almost comical, how much bad luck I've been running into lately. And my strength, my faith, my survival instincts, my optimism--they're all being tested. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but no one really knows what to say because they can't fix the maelstrom that is my life. And by now I would have died without music (like literally, shriveled up and died), but until things improve...I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. All the "God never gives you more than you can handle/it's always darkest before the dawn/everything happens for a reason/I will survive" bullshit only goes so far...and then there you are, still yourself, with no boyfriend, no roommate, and no show. STILL. It's such a feeling of desperation, of panic, of loneliness and hopelessness and fear.
I'm going to get through this, I know. But right now, that feeling is the tiniest part of me. Most of me is just wondering what I could have done to deserve such an amazing amount of misfortune, and wondering why nothing is getting better yet when I'm trying my hardest. Everyone goes through rough times, and it really could get worse (I hesitate to even say that because tomorrow I bet twelve more bad things will happen). It actually helps me to hear that other people have felt the same about breakups, and that this was minor compared to what other people have gone through. And my landlord is just going to have to deal--I don't know what to tell him. And as for shows...it'll happen. I've got talent, I've just got to stay out there.
So I'm done, for now, with the "poor me" rant.
But for God's sake, something has got to give.
Disclaimer: I worried about this sounding too whiny and/or dramatic, but then I remembered that it's my blog and I'll say whatever the fuck I want. (Yes, I just wrote "fuck" and my mom's probably reading this. Hi, Mom.) Why would you be here if you didn't want to read what I want to say? Go watch TV or something. This is how I vent. Besides, do you always mean everything you write down?
So it's been a really long time since I wrote...this is due to a lot of things--I haven't been through such a rough period in my life since I was 15. That was a time when my entire world was completely and totally turned upside down and I wondered how I'd make it out alive. And I did. I can only hope in this situation that things will turn out for the best, but honestly, my faith in anything good is being tested lately and I'm clinging to the very end of my rope.
This all started, as most of you know, with a breakup. There's a teeny, tiny chance of it, but I'm fully aware that the person who dumped me may be reading this (although why he would still be so interested is beyond me). If he is reading it, I invite him to comment and/or debate me on any points I may mention. Especially since he already knows quite well how I feel about the whole thing. I'm not trying to be malicious, I'm just stating the facts. Again, it's my blog, and why are you even here? So, that being said, this breakup just devastated me. More than I ever thought it would, because we only dated for two months. (Two months exactly--I was dumped on the two-month anniversary of the day we met, and four days before my birthday. Lovely and considerate timing, right?) Sure, for most people that barely constitutes a relationship, but I don't date just anyone. This was someone I was on the verge of falling in love with. Some of my girlfriends are of the opinion that just "getting back out there" and dating again is going to make me feel better about the situation, and myself, but that wasn't my habit before and I'm not about to start now. I can't date just for the sake of being around some random man that I don't even like--I find that to be a gigantic waste of my time and the guy's time. I'm just now getting to the point where I'm starting to find other guys attractive. At first, after the breakup, I'd look at other guys and feel absolutely nothing. No attraction; barely even registering their attractiveness on an objective level. But I digress. My point is, I met someone who seemed to really, really like me and want something serious. He was moving the relationship along faster than I was, actually. This person, after our first date, wanted to hang out with me twice a weekend from then on. And our dates would always be hours and hours long--we joked that we always had to "close the place down" because it happened on several occasions. I went completely all out for his birthday, and we went all out for each other on Valentine's Day. He told his family about me, told me I was the only one he was dating, called me "his ______" (insert term of endearment), constantly texted me back right away and called me (complete with kissy goodbye noises over the phone), etc. Things were moving in the right direction, albeit slightly fast. Then all of a sudden, he blew me off on a day we were supposed to hang out, and didn't answer my texts until late afternoon (highly abnormal for someone who had always been so good at those things). That was the day I knew something had changed--even though after I did my own thing that day, he sent me three texts later that night asking me where I was and saying he was sad. But the person I'd met on January 8th would never have done that to me. It was such a weird occurrence that by the time he'd texted me back that day, I was out of my mind with worry, thinking something medically serious had happened to him. Sure, that sounds crazy, but in my experience, you just never know. NEVER. You don't know anything. No one does. Things happen, especially when you live in New York. Not even just that--things happen when you least expect them. And when a woman really cares about someone (boyfriend or otherwise), one of our instincts is to think that something awful has happened to them. Guys don't think like that, I don't believe. If it's been a really long time, maybe. Girls I know who regularly put up with shit from guys may not think to worry, either. But THIS WAS SO OUT OF CHARACTER for this person. So I freaked, but then we moved past it, or so I thought. A couple weeks later, it was over. The reasoning was rather vague (the old "we moved really fast, it's really intense, I can't be responsible in this relationship"--pretty much the "it's not you, it's me" excuse), but I'm pretty sure it just boils down to the fact that he got bored and trapped and tired of making the effort it takes to be in a relationship. Even though I thought I was pretty low-key and never consciously demanded that he do anything to prove himself to me--most of the pressure about keeping me happy was imagined on his part. Surely, he also wanted to see what else was out there--his profile is back up on the dating website where we met. That fact just makes me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, but even if that's not it, he did stop wanting me. That sounds harsh (and it is), but why else do people lose interest? They don't want you. The reason WHY they don't want you may be entirely their problem, but the fact is, they don't want you. And he didn't want me anymore. But if we'd both been taking it slow and we mutually realized it wasn't going to work out, it would have been easier to deal with. Rather than, metaphorically speaking, him taking my hand and sprinting forward with all his energy, taking me along, and then suddenly letting go--skidding to a complete stop and letting me run straight into a brick wall. It's like we both got into a car, he took the wheel and stepped on the gas as hard as he could, and then he slammed on the brakes and jumped out while I flew through the windshield. My friend Chrystal made an interesting point the other day--when you decide you're in a relationship with someone, when you decide to pull someone in like that, it becomes about both of you, not just one of you. You can't ask for that level of devotion and commitment and then decide you don't want it anymore without consulting the other person. We're talking about a guy who, if I didn't answer a text within an hour (tops), he'd text again. Who, one night, affectionately wanted to know how long he'd have to wait until I called him back. Who left me voicemails saying how much he couldn't wait to hear me. And he was the one who left. And you'd think that at age 29, a person would know the difference between being infatuated with someone and falling in love. But my brother told me, not long after this happened, never to take a man's age as any indication of his maturity. And God, do I believe him. I have to believe him, or I'll never survive dating a man of any age again without wanting to punch him in the mouth. There are immature women, of course--but in this situation, the guy really never should have said most of the things he said to me. I hope that this experience has taught him to take things more slowly and only say serious things if he's sure those feelings are going to last. Not just because they sound nice. If I'd known that he was going to lose interest so rapidly, I'd rather have not heard those things at all. Because now they're meaningless. And for a girl who already had trust issues, my lesson was to be wary of someone who gives their heart way too quickly. It's all very sweet and adorable at first, but in the end, it hurts like a bitch--especially when he's the one who gives up on you.
I'm slowly, slowly feeling better about this but I still have my moments. It's only natural, considering how nonsensical it all is and how much I really liked this guy. And considering the other bad shit going on in my life right now--it's all collapsed down on me at the same time. Everything happening at once makes me feel complete despair about life in general--about all the issues, not just one at a time. Currently, right this second, I'm worried about not being able to find a roommate and the fact that my landlord called me earlier asking me for $750 more dollars to cover the absent roommate's rent for April. I'm hoping and praying that the great roommate interview I had last night will pan out, or that if it doesn't, a friend and I can find another affordable place. That's kind of an option. But long story short, I have quite possibly the worst roommate luck of all time. I am sick to death of searching for one, and I dread the process every single time. And I've been actively looking since March, but it seems to be the worst time ever to try to find someone. I found someone good relatively quickly last time, but she only stayed for 6 months due to money issues. I was under the impression that she'd be able to stay longer (she told me as much when she moved in, but things happened that were beyond her control), and this search has been probably the hardest yet. First of all, I've been posting like mad on Facebook, Craigslist, Village Voice and Roommates.com. I emailed over fifty people--FIFTY!--on Roommates.com but apparently not many people on there are actually serious about finding a room or writing people back. And it's even a new room, with pics included in the ad...and still, not very many replies. I mentioned in the ad that I'm looking for someone to be here for one year, no exceptions, and maybe that's scared a lot of people off but I REFUSE to go through this again in six months or three months or whatever. I can't. It's practically given me a nervous breakdown this time around.
So this is going on and suddenly, tonight I get a call from my landlord (who, by the way, is a total slacker) saying that I'm responsible for the other half of the rent for April. You know, now that it's the 19th he thought he'd let me know, even though he made no mention of that on the first or any other time. He then claimed to have renovated the room "to help" me find a new roommate (which cost $2,000), even though I never ever asked him to do that. He looked at the room and decided that instead of just repainting and cleaning the floor, he'd totally redo it, giving me a week's worth of irritation that was really only supposed to be a three-day process at most. Random men in my house, leaving the toilet seat up and dust and dirt all over everything and not being gone when I got home from work...pain in my ass. And suddenly, since I'm unable to force anyone into living with me and because I didn't just take the first person to view the room (there have only been three) and because I can't make people keep viewing appointments they claim to want, I'm responsible. Even typing it out seems stupid. It's completely unfair and I have no idea if he's even allowed to do this. Please, please please please please let this new guy say yes--it's not going to solve this whole "you suddenly owe me $750 more" thing, but at least it'd put my mind at ease. New guy and I got along really well, but he had two more places to look at today and said he'd let me know tomorrow. And if he doesn't want to move in, I may just move out. I shouldn't have to take this shit from someone who won't even shampoo the living room carpet from damages sustained from the leaking ceiling, and won't even fix the electricity in my kitchen that has been broken since the last day of room renovations. It's been broken for weeks now. And I'm supposed to pay him money I don't personally owe him? Bitch, please.
So there's that, and then the other thing that happened was that I didn't get roles in either of the shows I thought I'd get into. God, worst birthday month of my life. Hands down. Those auditions both took place within a couple weeks of the breakup, and while I don't expect to get every role I audition for, it was just really shitty timing not to get into EITHER show at a time when I already felt really fragile. It just made me feel completely unwanted, and so has everything else. No boyfriend, no roommate, no show. And shows are such a good distraction--when I'm in a show, it becomes my life. And when I'm not in one, I feel worthless, like even the thing I'm supposed to be good at isn't working out right. This doesn't really bother me as much as the other things, because again--you can't win them all. I'm still a performr and always will be. But still--awful timing. I'll get into another show at some point. But I can't focus properly on anything right now--I keep having feelings that I want to just run away from it all. These days I either don't sleep enough or I sleep way too much. Every time I think, "Well, it could be worse", it gets worse. It's almost comical, how much bad luck I've been running into lately. And my strength, my faith, my survival instincts, my optimism--they're all being tested. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but no one really knows what to say because they can't fix the maelstrom that is my life. And by now I would have died without music (like literally, shriveled up and died), but until things improve...I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. All the "God never gives you more than you can handle/it's always darkest before the dawn/everything happens for a reason/I will survive" bullshit only goes so far...and then there you are, still yourself, with no boyfriend, no roommate, and no show. STILL. It's such a feeling of desperation, of panic, of loneliness and hopelessness and fear.
I'm going to get through this, I know. But right now, that feeling is the tiniest part of me. Most of me is just wondering what I could have done to deserve such an amazing amount of misfortune, and wondering why nothing is getting better yet when I'm trying my hardest. Everyone goes through rough times, and it really could get worse (I hesitate to even say that because tomorrow I bet twelve more bad things will happen). It actually helps me to hear that other people have felt the same about breakups, and that this was minor compared to what other people have gone through. And my landlord is just going to have to deal--I don't know what to tell him. And as for shows...it'll happen. I've got talent, I've just got to stay out there.
So I'm done, for now, with the "poor me" rant.
But for God's sake, something has got to give.
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